When it comes to an end....

Time passes in a blink of eye, and the Earth keep spinning and spinning without our knowledge. It cannot turn back to the time we want it to be. FACE IT, THIS IS REALITY!!! At this time we will regret what we have done and what we have not done in the pass. Reality will not change just because of us. The world is cruel, if you are not going to help yourself, no one will. Sometimes being selfish is a good thing, to be better to yourself and be cruel to the world. Isn't that right?

I'm still lying to myself that this world is like a fairytale which everything will be just fine and everything will lead to a happy ending. "And they live happily ever after. The End" does this phrase sounds familar? I was brought with a mind set that this world is a happy land where everyone stays together happily together and no bad thins will happen. But what will happen if someone just leave you, right in front of your eyes without saying a single word?

Its been awhile... I'm still trying to runaway from reality. I cannot accept the fact when some one I love dearly just leave me like that. It hurts deeply inside knowing you cant see, touch, hear or feel them anymore. I regret a lot not doing my part well when you are here and now you are gone. Its useless to do anything anymore.

I really appreciate the love that you gave me, the time we spend together, all the courage you gave me. I really miss u.

It has been more than 2 years, I haven't been attending church, I feel myself so empty and sorrow. I'm in a situation like this:

1st 1/2 Chorus

Lost in wonder
I'm lost in love,
I'm lost in praise forevermore

Many people have been asking me to go church and stuff even my non-christian friends, but I feel so awkward to go back there. I just don't feel the same anymore. If you've know me better, I was a backup worship singer for a while, then I was ask to join the PR team and later on I was part of the PR Leaders in Youth Fellowship and Service on Sunday, Youth Drama Crops Leader, First Aid Leader in my Youth Camp and recently for the Church Food Fare, I was the Event Manager for my Group.

And now? I'm just a lost soul who is floating without direction. Running away from God but when I've got any problem then only I'll think of Him. Taking Him for granted, do not appreciate what He had done for me. All these years I seriously have no courage to go back there to face him anymore. I am ashamed of myself for what I have done.

But yesterday I took up my courage to go back to church with my parents and Auntie Hun, I sat behind alone cause it was cold in front or maybe I'm just not prepare to sit in front where everyone can see me. So at 1st was worship, I tried to blend in the atmosphere, but every time I tried to sing, my tears keep flowing and I got really emotional. I cant stop crying. After worship it was Holy Communion. I went in front and kneel down to have the Holy Communion and I started crying again. I was hoping no one can see me in this situation so I hurried back to my seat.

The sermon was lead by this pastor from the West Malaysia Anglican Diocese named Rev Preb Dr. Micheal Sheard. This will be his last visit to Malaysia because he is going to retire. He preech about the differences between Worship and The Church. I recall something very meaningful he said, "What is the used of salt if the salt isnt salty anymore?" This question really strikes my mind. He said in a church everyone have to be united to serve, serve together, worship together, pray together. What he say is so true. We come as a church to serve Him and the community together.

So after service I went and shoke the Pastor's hand, and he spoke to me.

He said "Are you the one at the corner during Holy Communion?"
I said "Yes it was me"
He said "Are you okay?"
I said "Yea dont worry" (facking a smile with teary eyes and walk away)

I wanted to talk to him longer but I cannot control my emotions. I wanted to tell someone so badly that I am back in church after 2 years but I have no courage to do so. Its not a big deal to them but for me I really feel..... I really duno how to express my feeling right now. I feel happy in a way and I feel confuse and bad in another way.

The Questions are:

Am I really been forgiven?

Can I continue to serve you?

Can really I come back to you?

Will the 2nd 1/2 chorus be:
Because of Jesus' unfailing love
I am forgiven
I am restored